Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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