Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
