Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
