You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
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