I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
