you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
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