You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
