I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
