It's Friday. Sex?
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
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