You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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