even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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