3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
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