That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
