I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Randomize
