Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
