So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Randomize
