It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
