Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
