she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize