Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
