I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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