i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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