You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
