my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize