if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
