I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Randomize
