just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
