Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
