i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
