Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize
