You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
