You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
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