just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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