I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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