I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
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