This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
