Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
