we made out on top of his cat.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Randomize
