like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
