Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
