Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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