Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
