so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
