Umm I'm too high to move.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
