I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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