quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
And then my night got REAL pukey
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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