Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
