just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
