I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
