Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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