In the future we'll all be gay
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
