Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
