Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
