I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
