I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
