textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
