I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
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