True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
why do cheetos always look like penises
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
