i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
