Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
