If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize