Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize