hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
