he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
