ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize